A lot of little things June 15, 2011

So, between finishing up school and my last visit to Portland, I have been busy.

School’s done, though – and I have taken (though not gotten my results) my test. I have visited Portland, we have purchased a mattress and applied for (but not gotten confirmed) for an apartment.

Seems like it should be easy, right? All I have left to do is compact all my things into boxes and plastic bins, getting rid of things I truly don’t need and keeping things I can’t live without.

Yeeeeeah. I don’t know if I’m so nervous about moving that I’m pushing it off on purpose or what. But aside from preliminary organisation at my parent’s house, I’ve done… nothing.

I still need to fix my windshield, and get a car tune up, too. What the hell is wrong with me that I can’t muster the care to do it yet?

All in all, I’m not really sure what’s going on. I know where I’m going but I feel directionless. Isn’t this supposed to be a great time of freedom, of happiness, of new beginnings – so much so that I should be striding with singular purpose forward?

Argh.

Halo (2011) April 30, 2011

you have only to smile and i’m dizzy
you make the world go ’round
a thousand times an hour
just touch my hand
and send me spinning

you show me colours and i’m crying
you hold my eyes with yours
and open up the world

i want to keep this feeling
deep inside of me
i want you always in my heart
you are my everything

you fill my head full of rainbows
ones that never end
following you, every step we take
together

Scene I.5 ends. Seriously, Scene II in 28 days. April 29, 2011

It was thrilling to learn on Thursday I was leaving to see Carl on Friday. Even for a short time, it seems like precious time. And it is.

So, Friday I left around 1pm – delayed for rain to Chicago to meet my connecting flight. Which was… delayed. Come to find out after I arrived, that the airport here was hit by a tornado. I got out just in time. Had I had a later flight I would have been stuck and lost a day.

As silly as it sounds, sitting around doing nothing was fantastic. I didn’t really want to do anything other than just spend time with him. And so, thats pretty much what we did. Although we were at the coast which was AMAZING. There was an ocean and everything.

So, now, all I have left is 28 days until my next visit. And 94 days until I move.

And the moving. Oh my god. I keep flipping the dial between ZOMG EXCITED and ZOMG NERVOUS. Its nerve wracking because I’ve never lived more than 15 miles from my family, and I am moving to a place where I virtually know no one. I have no anchor, or job lined up (yet) and I’m scared I’m going to do all the domestic things wrong. Not be a good housekeeper, cook, or anything that’s expected of me at all. And I worry about all this because I want to be absolutely perfect, wonderful for him. Maybe that sounds a little old fashioned and ridiculous though. But I can’t really help it. I never want to screw it up, and I want this to work. Blah.

And end scene I. Scene II commences in 52 days April 5, 2011

I feel like when I left Portland, I didn’t come entirely back. I could say cliché things, like “Home is where the heart is, and it’s clear home isn’t here in St. Louis anymore” but I guess I should expect that.

I spent the entire time leading up to the trip worrying about everything. Would he still like me? (This was huge) Would his parents hate me? Would I hate Portland?

And yet when I got there, (even though I still worried, because you know, thats what I do) I felt like we hadn’t been apart.

It made leaving worse.

I cried in the shower before we left for the airport. I cried in the bathroom at the airport. I cried on the plane. I cried boarding my transfer flight. And I’m crying thinking about him right now.

So, now I’m here and he is there. And I am going back to worrying, my anxiety and fear about everything and anything. But despite all of this, I know it’s right. I know it will work, and I know it will last.

Right now, though? I don’t know if I can make it the 52 days until I see him again.

“twining the string” (3/29/11) March 29, 2011

here we’re going to start
a new beginning and we’re just on the path
stumbling forward on unsteady feet; we’re racing up to the summit
nothing but our promises on clouds to keep us going

touching the blue of the burning flame
waiting for when it cools but the break never comes
and i’ve searched a lifetime to find you
reading about it in stories
dreaming about it in dreams

intertwined souls like twisted yarn from a skein
you beckon with intricate gestures; a caress
and i tumble forward because my legs can’t hold back
songs of christmas in my mind forward and blurred
and the sunrise is catching me by surprise
it reflects the future in your eyes

“simplicity” (3/29/11) March 29, 2011

and i said with my eyes
“take all i have to give”
and you did without even trying
and i said with my lips
“touch me again i won’t be able to resist”
and you did it with a flick of your wrist

“idioms” (1996) March 27, 2011

i’m naked as a worm beneath these twisted,
satin sheets that we once rolled our
rainy days away in.
one day HE was gone:
HE crept out like a bed bug lest he wake my sleeping form.
it was then that my pride galloped off on a
stampeding horse, only to return in
tattered rags; her feet bare.
HE and my innocence got together
and robbed me
of all i had going for me
i’d given him a hand and HE took
my foot instead -
now i’m left in solitude of my own making:
choosing to keep myself hidden in glass only to
break out in emergency.
i used to scream at the sky and try to pick my
fights with god. but god and i resolved.
i’m getting married;
to my loneliness – but HE came back
just to make
my wedding black and laugh in my face
to see me cry my tears – how embarrassing for him
that i no longer care

“valentine” (1996) March 27, 2011

i crushed your valentine rose
in my hand with all the
strength a broken-hearted girl
can muster and to think that you led
me on the wildest lie of my life
by giving me a promise you
had no intention of keeping how i will
loathe you everyday and i’ll keep on
crushing your valentine rose until
i bleed from its thorns

“Insperatus” (3/27/2011) March 27, 2011

Like hot breath in the cool rain
You swept in
Unobtrusive and unaware you danced around my heart
Until I had no choice

To know you
Like a child’s rhyme
Sung so many times that the words are worn
Grooves of you imprinted now

On my soul, in my heart
Just when I thought I wasn’t searching
For anything other than me
The bright moon arrives to outshine the sun

Limbo March 24, 2011

I absolutely and utterly hate feeling this way.

I feel like I’m alternately just wasting time/killing time waiting to be with him, and then alternately keeping with my normal routine which sometimes makes me feel like I don’t have him in my life. And that is the worst feeling of all.

I know it has to do with the distance, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t upsetting to feel like your life hasn’t changed at all. It HAS just not HERE.

A countdown begins.